Mmmmm... Barbecued Kittens... Tasty!

Dear Readers of Sensationalist Newspapers,

I just want to make it clear that I am NOT a cannibal!!!

The newspapers have been spending a lot of time on the Tim McLean/Vincent Li tragedy, and have been painting Vincent Li, who has schizophrenia, as basically inhuman. It's true, the delusions and hallucinations that Vincent Li was experiencing as a result of his illness did compel him to do a very heinous and bizarre act, that fact cannot be denied.

The papers/press have invested a lot of time painting a mythological portrait of psychosis as it has manifested in the case of Vincent Li, and true to their sensationalist form, the press has spent zero words to explain that what happened in that incident was exceptionally rare. Indeed, they haven't spent any time at all discussing the actual crime statistics of persons living with a condition like psychosis. (Incidences of violent crime, committed by persons with severe mental illness, are very rare, rarer even than in "normal" populations.)

Sadly, because of distorted (should we call it deranged even?) media reporting, the public is left with a mistaken belief that a medical condition like psychosis will turn a person into a murdering cannibalistic zombies on a mission from some god. I don't want to leave the public with that mistaken impression, so I'm here to inform the public of the Truth of the Matter:

Myself, I'm not on a cannibalistic murder mission from god; I just like eating kittens. I find they're best roasted in barbecue sauce. After my meal of kittens, I finish with cupcakes, iced with ground unicorn horn frosting!!! Do you know how hard it is to catch a unicorn?


If we don't laugh, we cry right? Laugh. Hard. Then write your newspapers and tell them that you oppose sensationalist crime reporting.

Big love and kitten breath kisses,
O.

Sorry, the person you are trying to reach...

Dear Winter Flu, Viruses, and Blahs,

Please go away. I'm not here. If you call, I'm not picking up the phone. If you show up on my doorstep, I'm turning out the lights and pretending not to be home. You've showed up one too many times! You've outrun your welcome! I'm sick of you Bugs and Blahs! Be gone!

Readers, I've been sick for over a week now with a nasty virus that won't seem to let go, which is why I haven't posted in awhile.

Between the Winter Blahs and the Winter Bugs, I've been left dead-dog tired and brain-addled.

I'm going to crawl under my blankets now and take one more day off, and cross my fingers that I'll feel better tomorrow.

Hopefully spring will come soon, huh?

Wishing for signs of spring,
O.

How to make friends

Dear Loneliest of Lonelies and Those Suffering from the Blahs,

Where I come from, it is winter. It is grey, for days and days, and it is enough to drive one batty! (If you aren't batty already, like me!)

I find that the best way to cure the Winter Blahs is to chase them away by doing things that are pleasurable.

If you like a warm bath, then I say indulge!

If you like to be among friends, then I say, pick up the phone, and invite some people over.

Now, I know, when caught in the grip of the winter blues, it is hard to peel yourself off the sofa and find the motivation to do something. But I suggest, with emphasis, that you *do* something. It will make you feel better... trust me. I *know* things, not many things, but some things.

If you are seeking friendship here is the best way to make friends... offer them some cake! Trust me. People like to come around when you offer them cake.


Possibly you will also cure the mid-winter blahs, which is a good side-effect to be sure!


Having my cake and eating it too,
O.

Knowing Olivia...

Hey to the People who Like to Know Other People,

I was reading this blog the other day, and I came across this interesting list of 100 things you have/have not done.

It's possible that this little list will help you get to know me a little more, if you are interested. Feel free to copy the list yourself, and post it on your own blog.

The things I've done have been put in bold type. I've added a few comments to some of the items.


1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars - yeah... that was c-c-cooold!
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity - I'd love to do this, but it's hard to squeeze blood from a stone!
7. Been to Disney World - Sad to say, no. And now that I'm grown up, I don't care to go!
8. Climbed a mountain - Yeah, I wheezed my way up a mountain, tyvm!
9. Held a praying mantis - I have touched my friend's praying mantis tattoo... does that count?
10. Sang a solo - Sad to say, yes. I cannot sing. Will never, ever do this again.
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea - Over Lake Superior! So pretty!!!!
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child - Furkids count right?
16. Had food poisoning - Ugh.
17. Walked to the top of the CN tower
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked - Hell no!
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - Yes, but this was before they created "mental health days."
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon - Not interested!
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse - When I was a kid... it was so cool!
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise - Toured the Mekong... does that count?
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person - Kind of tacky with the lights and whatnot.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language - Well, I tried. Sort of.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke - Norbang anyone?
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant - Errr... See number 6.
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing - Fishing in Gawas Bay?
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie - I have been on a TV program...
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class - Yes! TaiChi! The art of Warrior Relaxation!
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited a gravesite where people from the Titannic are buried
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Great White North - I'm dying to go to Northern Canada!!!
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone - Surprisingly, no.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle - Yeah, with no helmet! When in Rome, but never again!
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book - I'm working on this one as we speak.
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car - People can afford cars nowadays?
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - My dad did, and I watched. That one counts, right?
88. Had chickenpox - I say yes, my mom says no. It's an ongoing argument.
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous - Define famous, but yes, I suppose I have.
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one - Not yet, cross my fingers!
94. Had a baby - Not yet, cross my fingers and toes with a double cross!
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Dead Sea
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day


Lots of Love,
O.

Woohoooooo! News!

Dear Students with Loans,

For the record, my loan payment deferral request was approved.

I guess the letter that I sent them was enough. See the link below for more details about the letter and its contents. (I'm hoping the letter made more than one person laugh!!!)

Grrr... Student Loans and Poverty

I've gotten some calls about the bunny pimping. Seriously. O.o

Chuckling my way through indentured servitude,
O.

Hoppy New Year!

Dear Revellers,

Alas, it is a New Year. For some of us, it is a new beginning. For some, a time of reflection. For others it is just another day.

I always find New Year's a bit of a mixed blessing. I try hard not to care about the New Year, but it's very hard not to. You see, I was born on the first day of the New Year, and so not only is there a lot of hype rolled into that special calendar year turn over, but there is also an element of aging and age-based reflections that get thrown into the mix.

And so I'm dealt with a bit of a one-two-punch every time this event rolls around.

As a combined New Year/Birthday celebration, some of my friends and I went out to dinner. Inevitably we all began summarizing our year, reflecting on our successes and failures, and outlining conclusions about whether the year was a "good" year or a "bad" year.

For the most part, my friends were positive or benign in their responses, but I answered honestly: I've had a horrible year. For me, 2008 has been the worst year so far in my experience. Considered as a whole, I struggle to find good aspects of the past year.

And I'm not going to rant on about why my year was awful, since some of it is described in this blog; but I do want to talk about the reactions my friends offered after my confession.

Most of them thought I was expressing resignation or sadness about my year. They cooed and said things like, "O, it can't have been that bad! Find something good in it! Don't worry, it will be better this year!"

And I think they made a mistake in assuming where those statements were coming from; I was not complaining or looking for platitudes. I was doing an honest appraisal of the last year of my life.

It sucked. It *was* depressing. I cried over the events of the past year. I tore my hair out, and beat my breast, and got lost in despondency.

I know my friends found my flat (and relatively negative) summary surprising. Surprising maybe because I didn't lightly gloss over the past, and speak only of the positive things, like so many of us are prone to doing. I was being honest, and sometimes, honesty, well... it makes others uncomfortable, I guess.

Despite the discomfort of my friends, it was important for me to be truthful about my experiences. Sometimes life is downright overwhelming, and I think it's important to admit that. And sometimes life is quite ugly, and I think we need to be honest with others about that too.

Pretending that things are great all the time does nothing for us as social beings. Perhaps keeping up illusions of a perfect life experience works in some cases, but I think in most cases, illusions can be destructive and counterproductive. How can people help you, or love you, or give you things if you never ever express a need?

Telling people that life has been difficult helps them to understand why I've been a little standoffish for some time. Explaining to my friends that I've spent a lot of time sitting alone in a corner, licking my wounds, enables them to understand that I haven't actually been a neglectful friend; I've just been working on some difficult problems, and that they should still call, even if I'm too tired or preoccupied to engage in meaningful visit.

And so yes, my year has been shitty. No, I've not been around much. And no, there's nothing anyone can do to fix any of it. Of all the things you can't do, there is still one thing you can do: You can continue to be my friends.

I guess there was one very positive aspect to the last year: My friends. My very kind, very loving, very caring, very understanding, and exceptionally loyal friends.

Cheers to you all! Drinks are on me the next time around!
Your bff who is keeping her chin up,
O.

PS. I do predict that my next year will be immensely better than the last. I have some serious plans to roll out, and some interesting projects on the sidelines!!! Do I have a great job lined up yet... er... well, still working on that one!!!

Grrrrrr... Student Loans and Poverty

National Student Loans Service Centre
Somewhere in Nowheresville
Canada

Dear To Whom It May Concern Loan Officer,

RE: Student Loan Number: ##-######

The following is a letter that outlines my proof of income for the month of December.
Holiday Cheer,
O.

In this glorious Christmas month of December, I predict a $0.00 gross income due to my continuing inability to secure permanent employment and also due to the drying up of employment in the ever reliable temporary work sector. It is possible that Canada's recent shedding of some 70,000 odd jobs has something to do with this, but one can't be too sure. I'm currently "on the list" at a temp agency, a wonderful agency, with kind staff, but alas, it seems they too are running out of tasks to delegate to lowlies like me. I've been out of work for two weeks, rather distressingly, and I can't imagine a call coming in announcing work any time soon.

Currently, the bulk of my "explanation about how [I'm] living without any income" is based on desperate appeals I've made to family members to pay for such incidentals as food, shelter, and electricity. I have been told by several family members that I should give up on my "big city" dream, and move back home to live with my parents and work at Zellers. This, despite my university education and multiple years of experience in the field of mental health. I don't have a problem with working at Zellers, it's just that I'd hoped, after investing 5 years of my time, tears, and energy, that I would be qualified to earn at least slightly more than the minimum wage.

As further explanation for how I plan to make ends meet, I am hoping that the $65.00 that is currently occupying my bank account will begin to mate vigorously, and will reproduce enough funds to cover my expenses at month's end.

Failing this fervent wish, and since I believe that prostitution contradicts my personal and sexually conservative values, I plan to pimp my rabbit to passersby in the town square for $5.00 a pop. I'm hoping there are no anti-prostitution laws that cross over to the domain of domestic animals, otherwise, my plan will be thwarted. If you would like to partake in a little rabbit-cuddle-action, call me at 555-555-5155 to arrange a meeting. I offer in/out services. Ask for Surly. Surly is very cute and soft. He has a velvety nose, and if you are very nice, he may lick your fingers for free. If you're not into rabbits, I also have a cat, but she is fairly skittish and tends to bite. If you're into biting, I can accommodate a visit with my cat for the usual $5.00 fee, plus a $3.00 "kink" tax. Ask for the Nervous Tiger if you are are interested in cat-cuddle-action that includes some biting.

And so, long story short, I'm relying on the generosity of family members, the benevolence of a kind friend, plain old ingenuity, and my credit card to make ends meet.

I hope this letter is satisfactory and gave you a bit of a chuckle.
Regards,
O.

PS. I would love a job. If ya'll are interested in hiring, I'm a skilled writer, and a very good teacher.

PPS. If you are interested in donating Christmas gifts to needy, unemployed-but-trying people, then here is my wish list:
1) A stable, meaningful job
2) A new laptop, as mine is dying
3) Maybe a Shopper's Drug Mart card to pay for my prescriptions
4) New glasses, as I haven't updated my lens prescription in 3+ years and the ones I have are old, scratched up, and are giving me headaches.

PPPS. Yes, I'm crazy as hell. I have a letter from my psychiatrist to attest to that fact, but crazy or not, at least I have a sense of humour.

PPPPS. If you don't laugh, you cry, no?

PPPPPS. It costs me $1.00 per page to fax these letters to you. Can I be repaid for that? $7.00, to me, equals eggs and bread. This is food for at least three days.

PPPPPPS. Did you know that vinegar is a great non-toxic, all-purpose cleaning agent? A 2 litre container lasts me (and two pets) a month! I mix a 1/2 cup of vinegar, a couple of drops of dish soap, and a cup of water, and put it in a recycled spray bottle. Tah -dah! All clean! It's great.

PPPPPPPS. Dish soap is really good at killing plant pests. Mix in a small squirt of biodegradable dish soap with a cup of water and spray on your plants. Tah -dah! No bugs!

Ah the things you learn when you are broke ass broke. :D

Happy Things To Make Us Laugh

Dear People Who Now Feel Sad Because of My Previous Posts,

Sorry about the last few depressing posts.

When life brings you down, you need an lolcat. I swear, this website is what keeps me going:

http://icanhascheezburger.com/


With Love and Humor,
O.

laugter... the best disease ever!

Dear people who like to laugh, and those who don't,

If laughter is infectious,
then that is a disease we should all want to catch!

Hoping to catch something,
O.

opinions vs. sex

Dear people who like to mouth off,

Opinions are like legs.

Don't spread 'em if you can't deal with the consequences.

Keepin' it real,
O.

oh, to be this innocent and happy again!

Dear animal lovers,

Can you remember the time in your life when you had that optimistic enthusiasm for absolutely everything?

Uh... neither can I. But this video is cute, and it will make you want to be young again. Or, it will make you want to be a puppy again. (Hey, whatever suits your fancy! I'm not the one who has to put up with your unusual proclivities!)

Introducing the infectious enthusiasm of Willow the Puppy.

Just click on the grey text and the YouTube video should pop right up.

Hoping you'll catch something (The happiness bug, people! Get your mind out of the gutter!),
O.

you people are strange... really...

Dear people who do not like animals,

People who love animals don't get you and are very wary of you. Quite frankly, we think there's something wrong with you, and we are actually a little afraid. *O.o*

Just sayin'.

An animal lover from way back,
O.

PS. This post is not referring to people who are afraid of animals or to people who can't have animals for health reasons... so don't get your panties in a bunch.

This post is referring to that minority of the population that has a genuine distaste for all life forms that are not human... generally including animals of all species and plants.

Usually these are the people who want to replace their lawns with astroturf, and they chop down the gloriously ancient (and beautiful) trees on their property, and they mutilate any leaf that has the misfortune to have strayed on their lawn.

oh feline master, i am forever your indentured servant!

Dear cat,

I love you, even though you vomit... often... on the hard to clean shag rug.

Next time, could you try aiming for the hardwood that is about 6 inches from the spot on the rug where you regularly puke?

Your kitty momma,
O.

g*ddam you neurons!

Dear my neurons and neurotransmitters,

Hey, you! Yeah you! You bastard neurons, and you shitty neurotransmitters... Oh, yeah, you dick-head enzymes too! I'm talking to all of you! Listen up!

No. Don't ignore me! I know you can see me looking at you disdainfully, and I know you see me wagging my finger at you angrily!

Your job is to work in harmony. I don't know the secrets of that harmony, and there are a lot of people out there who have invested a lot of time, energy, and cold hard cash to learn how you function in that requisitely synchronous manner.

Since your job is pretty important, and I'm sure you are aware of what you are supposed to be doing: Stop slacking off! Jackasses!

If you continue to slack off, I am going to go find some Scientologists. Then I am going to shrink them down with the shrink ray I invented during my last psychotic break. Then I am going to snort them and command them to find you.

Do you have any idea how nasty those little buggers will be? They are going to get all dark ninja on your ass and make you behave. And whoever doesn't comply, will be eliminated, as per the code of the dark ninja Scientologists.

And don't forget, those ninja Scientologists are masters at covering their tracks, so you won't even know what hit you.

Your master, even though you show no respect,
O.

PS. For those who don't know what a dark ninja is: Good examples of white ninjas include Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Rapheal, of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame. A great example of a dark ninja master is Shredder, the evil nemesis of the Turtles.

/tongue in cheek

L. Ron Hubbard... I invoke thee!

Dear God (aka. L. Ron Hubbard),

One of the wonderful symptoms of psychosis is delusional thinking. So, given the possibility that I could become delusional at any given moment due to the lack of cooperation between my neurons and my neurotransmitters, I have made a vow to turn my delusional thoughts into the opportunity of a life time that will earn me scads of dough.

*L. Ron Hubbard, I invoke your spirit to guide me through my quest, should I ever be given the opportunity to enact it.*

While in a delusional state, I am going to write a manifesto. After writing said manifesto, I am going to call a media conference and proclaim that the manifesto was inspired by a power that is older, more experienced, and more knowledgeable than myself and the average human.

Since I will be in a delusional state, I will be so convinced in my beliefs that people can do nothing but succumb to my enthusiasm and share in my delusions... er, beliefs.

I will prey especially on women by offering them promises of a patriarchy free life, based on the teachings of my manifesto. The only caveat is that they have to give up their relationships with men, they must conform their thoughts and behaviour to the teachings of the manifesto, and they must live in a commune that is located in the remote forests of upper Siberia.

By eschewing relationships with men, and surviving the hardships of upper Siberia, my manifesto will promise that the women will be rewarded in the afterlife with a harem of youthful, muscular, tanned, shirtless, and extremely anxious to please cabana boys.

In order to become a part of my cult... uh... clan, my followers must first pay a small fee of $19.99 to buy the manifesto. After they have read the manifesto, they must enroll in the 'clearing' classes. Which will be available for the low low cost of $49.99 per session. These 'clearing' classes are designed to educate my followers in great detail about the central tenets of the manifesto so that they can live a better, more fulfilling life.

If I deem a follower worthy, she (maybe even he) will be invited to engage in what I like to call 'full and fulfilling membership.' Meaning, the follower will be given the opportunity to donate all her earthly goods to the clan, and move to the compound in upper Siberia where she can live her life in the fullness of the freedom and enlightenment that our manifesto promises.

If a follower reads the manifesto and engages in the clearing classes, it is *possible* that she will have the riches of the after life. However, by donating all of her earthly goods to the clan and moving to upper Siberia, it is *guaranteed* that the follower will have access to the riches promised in the afterlife.

Your Leader In Training,
O.

PS. This fresh and fundamentally original doctrine will be called, The Enlightened Teachings of Olivia Beck: Foundations of Mythtology.

/tongue in cheek

after the rain comes a rainbow... in the form of kitties!

Dear Sun Worshipers and Lovers of All Things Cute and Fluffy,

Two things that will brighten your day and effectively kill some time (and maybe some brain cells!):

An Engineer's Guide to Cats - this will rob your life of 7 very happy minutes.

The Mean Kitty Song - this will make your life feel like it is 3.5 happy minutes shorter.

Both of these are YouTube vidz. Just click on the grey text, and it should go straight to the video. Don't forget to give the videos some time to load.

Forever the optimist, even when I don't really feel like being one,
O.

PS. Sorry for all of the heavy posts so early on in the game!